Chapter 68 – Who Am I?
Immediately turning back into the body of a cat, I looked at my big fluffy tail and my beautiful fur, and then using my paws I touched my ears. Suddenly jumping into Bi Qingshen Jun’s arms, I rubbed a few times, and asked expectantly, “Miao Miao is a cat, right? I am a cat.”
“Miao Miao,” Bi Qingshen Jun slowly opened his mouth to speak, “You are a demon cat.”
“A demon cat is also a cat, right?” I heart unexpectedly felt some panicked, therefore I raised up my paws and asked, “I am definitely one of the species of cats, look! I have a cat’s pink paw pads! And my claws can also protrude from my paws!”
“A demon cat is not considered a cat anymore, because after developing a human form, it is more related to people and gods.” Bi Qingshen Jun touched my head as he tried to explained, “I have
always been very confused with why your character and process of thought resembled so closely to that of an ordinary house cat. And no matter how one looks at you, they would not believe you are a demon that has lived for more than a thousand years.”
“No! No!” I hurriedly shouted an excuse, “I’m obviously a cat! Of course I would act like a cat!”
“Since you’ve already obtained a human form, you should be closer to people. This way, you would be able to advance to the next step, and obtain an immortal form.” Bi Qingshen Jun frowned, “You can’t always live life by muddling the facts, you must learn what human emotions are.”
“Why must I learn human emotions?” Hearing these unappealing words, I countered, “Miao Miao doesn’t want to become human, and just wants to be a cat! Isn’t learning of cat emotions just fine?”
“All things want to climb to the top and want to live forever, that’s why there are so many demons that come into being, and yourself, you all the necessary prerequisites, but why do you not work hard? To become a demon, one must have luck and determination, and many animals, even if they want to become a demon, they simply don’t have the opportunity to become one.” Bi Qingshen Jun’s eyes were full of regret and confusion.
“But…..it’s not like Miao Miao wanted to become a demon…..if they want to become demons, then let them be demons. I like Shifu, and want to become a sensible and obedient cat, and happily pass through time with Shifu.”
“You!” Bi Qingshen Jun suddenly became depressed, he stretched his hands out to touch my face, and then let out a long sigh, “Stupid, what I want is not this.”
My heart felt some fear, as I stared at his face, I carefully asked, “Do you not like cats?”
“I like them…..but not like that…..” Bi Qingshen Jun did not carry on.
I did not listen and kept asking:
“Do you not like my tail?”
“Do you not like my ears?”
“Do you not like the pink paw pads on my paws?”
“Do you not like my fur coat?”
“Do you not like my paws…..”
Every word and every sentence. He did not answer my questions, and just furrowed his brows thinking about something. Thus my heart gradually began to sink deeper and deeper, sinking so deep until the it has become covered in darkness without a single shred of light. My happiness began to drift away bit by bit, leaving only a kind of sadness trapped within my throat. I did not utter a single word again.
The stuff I was the most proud of, you did not like at all…..
The stuff I cherished the most, you did not like…..
Then what is it that you like?
“Miao Miao…..I have already waited for you for a very very long time, and I don’t want to continue waiting,” Bi Qingshen Jun finally spoke again, “You are a demon, can’t you begin learning about human emotions? And don’t use a cat’s process to comprehend questions.|
“Ok, ok, you have to go slowly,” Mo Lin walked forward, blocked him and said, “If you speak so directly to her, she will find it difficult to accept.”
Yes, it is very difficult to accept. I feel even worse than when Xiao Qi just abandoned me. Thence I jumped out of his arms, and without even looking back, I ran straight ahead despite the urgent shouts from my rear.
The wind passed and blew against my body, making the fur on my body a mess. I ran aimlessly, not knowing where or whom I would go to. I just wanted to escape this sorrowful place, and escaping while being heartbroken made me ignore the words that came out of his mouth.
The bell on my neck did not stop ringing, and it, came Bi Qingshen Jun’s voice, “Miao Miao, come back, we can discuss about these problems slowly.”
“I don’t want to become human!” I covered my ears and loudly shouted, not wanting to listen to him any longer.
Bi Qingshen Jun’s voice also progressively trailed off and sighed, “Remember to come back to Xuan Qing Palace tomorrow, I will continue to wait for you.”
At a quiet and still lake that has blocked the road, I rubbed my nose, lowered my head, and then stared at the reflection of a three coloured calico cat in the water. I had cat ears and a long beard, that was my appearance.
Since a while back, I had already known something about my body did not match, but I did not allow myself to believe it, and did not accept the fact that I was able to turn into a demon. I still believed that at the time I was still that cat that loved eating fish, loved chasing butterflies, loved sleeping and loved being spoiled by owner.
I’ve never felt that there were any problems with living a cat’s life. I liked rolling around on the ground and liked basking my white belly in the sun. I liked cuddling in the arms of Wawa, liked rubbing against Jin Wen to ask for fish to eat, and even more so, I liked how Bi Qingshen Jun stroked my fur and held me within his arms more than anything else.
Why do animals have to cultivate? Why do they have to learn human emotions? Were they never proud of their on race? I am proud to be a cat, and have never yearned for a human’s life, but…..why have I become a demon?
Why am I unlike the other cat’s of my species? I will never be able to love others of my kind.
Why does Shifu want me to become human…..why does he not like me as a cat…..
Keeping this in mind, my heart felt as if it would be even more painful than having my heart ripped apart. I stood up, spun around, changing from a cat body into a maiden, I stared at the reflection in the lake once again.
The maiden’s hair was very long, it was tied up into two pony tails and didn’t have any decorations. Her eyes were very big and very bright; her facial features were delicate and tender, and her skin was pale. Although I did not have my beautiful fur, Wawa and Jin Wen have told me that in the eyes of other people, this was extremely beautiful.
Does Bi Qingshen Jun like this face? Does Ao Yun, Wawa, Jin Wen and them like this face as well? But I don’t like this face, I don’t like it at all…..
My paws break the surface of the water from jealousy. Seeing that the maiden’s appearance being twisted and turned, and finally disappearing from the water, I felt just a little bit better.
Changing back into the form of a cat, I staredat the at the golden bell illuminated by the radiance of the sun. I pulled at it a few times, but it did not move, so I could only lie on the grass and stare at the blue sky in a daze.
From now on, what should I do? At Luoying Mountain, I’ve always ran around in my cat appearance, and if they were to find out that I was a demon, then I’m afraid no felines would accept me.
Then does that mean I have to go back to the heavenly realms? And that I must live as a human being like everyone else and stay by Bi Qingshen Jun’s side, learning about human emotions and never again becoming a cat?
So confusing, my mind was completely blank. I’ve never had this many problems to think about, and the only certainty I had, was that I did not wish to return to Xuan Qing Palace. I just wanted to find a place to slowly lick my wounds.
But, wounds of the heart, how do we lick those?